How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We left the knife in your bed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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