It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize