If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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