At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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