Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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