My ATM looks so different sober.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
