I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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