Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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