I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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