We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
