There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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