Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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