Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Dignity is for republicans.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
