If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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