I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
