I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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