They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
