I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
