worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
