i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
