My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
