My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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