sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
