Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
