I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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