we're chasing vodka with high fives
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You are a genius and a whore.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
