dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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