non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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