You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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