I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
