I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
