the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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