can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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