We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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