We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
