I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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