My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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