you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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