If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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