Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
