If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
