You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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