I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
