Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I could fuck to npr.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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