Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
