Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
That's how pantless uber rides happen
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize