i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
