Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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