Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
