Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize