I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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