I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
