I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
