pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
