My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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