I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
