Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
