If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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